Filed under: relapse/recovery
Through the smiles and laughter
Through the yes and the of course
Through the lightheartedness of every joke
Through the casualness of every pass
Sparkles.
Hope.
Future.
Dope.
When push comes to shove.
Comfort.
Love.
She’s set.
The smiles and laughter attempts to mask the pain
The yes and the of course tangles itself with doubt
The lightheartedness for show and everybody else’s sake
The casualness perceived to conceal heartbreak
Darkness.
Cruel.
Loneliness.
Truth.
Screaming at the top of her lungs.
Yet nobody hears.
Unfortunately understood by none.
She fiends.
Sparkles.
Darkness.
Love.
Loneliness.
Filed under: Dreams & In Between
Do we preserve the idea of something and keep the mystery running through our minds and butterflies in our stomach? Or go in the spur of the moment? Are we afraid after the fact, the fantasy in our heads will go “poof” to something less spectacular and romantic? Do such fantasies come true and are such expectations realistic? If we do not give into the moment and our lusts, will we wonder whether that opportunity will ever present itself again? In one way, we will be wondering what would have happened if we had just gone for it. On the other end, we will wonder why we were so weak and naive.
Perhaps the beginning of great things don’t always have that smooth start. I can’t remember being great at anything I wanted really badly. It took time, practice, and smoothing out of my charm. Hell, sometimes I still don’t get what I want, and it’s a continuous learning cycle. That should be applicable to all things in life right? You just gotta take the unexpected and roll with the punches. And in the end, if it’s meant to be, then it will be. If not, then at least you know you tried your hardest. However, I must say that if I choose to try hard at something, I will succeed. I cannot say the same for relationships, since its a two way street. But perhaps with the workings of both ways, the same type of results can apply 
I’m a free spirit. I loved exploring myself and driving up a semi-sketch road to Sedona. Alright, it wasn’t THAT scary for a normal driver, but I get pretty nervous when in narrow paths, especially with the possibility of tipping over a cliff at any moment. It was an amazing feeling, and I got to experience the wonders of nature, and different place on earth, and people watching. I love unfamiliar places. And sometimes I make it a point to make that unfamiliar place eventually a more familiar one. If I like you, I will be back. I’m not going to lie. Some parts of Arizona and Phoenix are just meh, a-o-k. But some places really blew my mind away. It was a sense of fulfillment. The nature and scenery is unfortunately something my beloved city of San Francisco does not have to offer. Yes, I do find beautiful spots every now and then, especially in the north bay, but who knew that ROCKS and MOUNTAINS could be soooo satisfying…
I am definitely looking forward to coming back, enjoying all the things I did this time and more. And while being at it next time, I’ll bring out my creative side as well. I won’t be on a time constraint and I’ll know how to do it better next time. And meanwhile, perhaps I will find that I will be getting more than I bargained for.. =D
Either way, the world is big. The world is magnificent. On a day to day, I feel like I do big things, or at least little things to accomplish big goals. Here, and away from home and work, I am small. I am small with much to learn and experience, and that’s how being away should feel like. There should always be more.
Filed under: Philosophical Litter
I like to make lists. I don’t know. It’s a weird disorder I have, along with OCD I guess. I like to rank things in order, and even people and relationships in order. Yes, at the age of 25 you will still see me writing out lists and lists of names. We’re not in middle school I know, but I just can’t help myself.
Tonight I began compiling a list of special people I have met in the industry so far. The people I work with directly were not put on that list, since it was more of a client/vendor thing. I was able to think of about a list of 20 people, within just a few minutes. I put a star next to those people that were my absolute favorite, favorite. There were about a dozen. I’m sure that if I attempted to analyze that list some more, I can definitely put them in a very particular order, in many different ways.
I can sort them by people I feel closest to, people I care most about, people I have a crush on (only 2 made the list), to people that are just amazing human beings. Oh, silly me. Regardless, I have briefly met probably thousands of people so far, within the short 11 months I’ve stepped foot into this industry. Formally met and actual conversations, probably at least 1,000 people, no? So to make it on my top 20 list is something very special. Those 20 must have left a very strong impression on me. They are all very different, but something about each one makes me like them, and care for them.
Last week I met one of those people. Actually, if we want to talk specifics, then we should say that I met him officially 2 and a half weeks ago. But it wasn’t until last week that he got on my list of favorite peoples. Can I say peoples? People might be the correct way, but this is my blog and I’ll say it whichever way I want to say it.
Anyway, he was nothing like what I expected. He was nothing like my first impression of him, even though that first impression was over 3 short interactions. He was more down to earth. He was more honest, and less games. That may also have come with being less suave, and less of a mystery. But that’s okay. You take the fantasy out of someone and you have reality. Yes, the real person right in front of ya. And if I like that reality… well then… you are good peoples. I liked what I saw, and I liked his honesty and sincerity. I liked his laughter and I liked his open-mindedness. I liked that he enjoyed my company and admired my passion for life. I liked that he was willing to help, and his humor. Therefore, by the end of our first real interaction, I decided that me and him were going to be friends for a long time. He may or may not know it yet, but it’s happening.
You know? I always tell myself that I must act carefully. Because when you have a job like mine, your actions are often times scrutinized. You must be very careful of who you associate yourself with, and the things that you do in public. Now this applies more so if you are to form relationships, and friendships. Sometimes those friendships turn into rumors or being something more. Now, I have made it clear to others and to myself that I will not form such things. Any rumors will be squashed and I will not get involved, even if there was a very very charming young man, or older man. Why? Simply because my name is on that. My company name is on that. Unless it is going to be love or something like it, then it isn’t worth the risk and the tainting of the name. No client of mine will be associated with me, outside of more than a working relationship and an awesome friendship. So I guess the more awesome friends I find, the better. Let’s leave all that fluff and clouds outta here.
We are human. And as humans, we feel. Shit, I believe that I feel more than the average human being. But I’m working on it. Haha, just kidding. I don’t think that is something I’d like to work on. That’s what makes me so… me. It can be my downfall, but for now, it’s just a quality of mine. Each day I go about with a full force of energy, sincerity, hunger, and passion. Very seldom do I not get something in return. When those days come, then I know tomorrow comes a better day. Some days are a struggle within my own desires and my own heart. But I know that almost every single day, I come across an awesome person, and at least one awesome interaction. And those are the moments that make me love my job. Those are the moments that make me love my life. No, my job isn’t my life, although it plays a big part. I go about work days, personal days (sometimes they’re all in one) with the same type of energy, enthusiasm, hope, and passion.
This was such a tangent, but I can’t fall asleep, so I felt like blogging. Mornin’ comes in 5 hours.
Filed under: Fixtion
She stayed up waiting for him. It was a quarter past 9:00, and the third night in a row he was late to come home for dinner. He didn’t leave a message on either her cell or the home, something he used to do when he had to stay late for work last minute. She even began pushing dinner back to 8:30 as of recently instead of the normal 7:45. He had been working later, and getting home later. The words exchanged between them had been fewer and fewer.
They were so in love, even just a few months ago. It had only been a year since marriage, and she was trying to figure out when these dinners became more and more seldom. She was trying to figure out when she began losing her husband.
Two years ago, he proposed when she least expected it. He had given her the feeling that he was not willing to settle anytime soon just before they started dating. She took a chance with him, and with his absent heart. She walked on glass for the first 3 months, as she was too afraid to show to much, and to express too much. To have him commit was a shocker, and she did not want to scare him away with too much. She knew she was falling in love, and didn’t mind waiting for him to do the same. Month 4 to 6 was amazing. He opened up. He kissed her in public all the time. He paraded her around his friends, and even family. They all loved her. They said that she was good for him, and exactly what he needed to get his life together. After month 6, he popped the question. She was in shock, but nonetheless in love. He had her from the very beginning. She had never said the words “I love you” to him before, because she was afraid he would feel obligated to say it back. The day he proposed was the first time those beautiful words came out of his mouth. She was not hesitant to say them back, as she had been wanting to for so long.
The wedding that took a year’s planning was huge, festive, and amazing. It was a fairy tale, and so was the 3 month honeymoon after that. They traveled the world together, and experienced new places together. They were the foreigners that everybody envied, and people were not afraid to let them know that their love was obvious.
After a long honeymoon, they finally settled into their new house together, and resumed their careers. It was the day to day, like any other ordinary couple newly married. They were in love. They kissed each other goodbye in the mornings. They cooked and cleaned together on some nights, and dined out on others. On the work nights they would hop into bed at 10:30 but wouldn’t tire each other out until an hour later. On the weekends they would go out and cause trouble, but it was trouble together. Their lifestyle after marriage was not too different from the one before, aside from a little more uniform and stability.
So when did it happen? She was counting the months backwards, trying to figure out when the crazy weekends at bars became less and less, and when tiring each other out was no longer part of the before bed routine. About 2 months ago was what she could figure after thinking long and hard. Instead of going out every weekend, they began going out more with their friends individually. Instead of having at least 5 or 6 of the dinners together in the week, it became 4 or 5, and now down to half the week at best. He used to call her during his lunch break every single day. Somehow the excuse was that work is so hectic that he forgets to call.
Tears began rolling down her eyes. Why had she not addressed this before? Why did she let it slide as a brief comment and a lightweight joke? Why did she revert back to not telling him her feelings, like the days of walking on glass. Tonight would be the night. Tonight, she will bring up the conversation. She replayed in her head the different routes the conversation could lead to. As she came up with the worst, decent, and best, she looked up at the clock to find that it was already 10:30. She reached over to grab the kitchen phone as tears continued rolling down her cheeks. She began dialing, praying or an answer.
Filed under: relapse/recovery
Today I saw the most beautiful man alive.
Okay.. maybe he’s not the most beautiful man alive, but he is beautiful. Very few men are beautiful to me. They can be hot, which this guy was. They can be cute, which he definitely was. But the word beautiful does not get used often when describing a man. This man was beautiful. I had spoken to him and exchanged e-mails before, on a work basis. I always imagine him to be a much, much older gentleman. Perhaps it was the name. I had also tried to get in touch with him in person before, but it never came through. Today, I was quite surprised he came out to greet me. I was shocked to see such a creature coming towards my way. Yes, a beautiful creature. He was a mixture of an Edward Cullen (but better looking), and a studly, confident man. He looked suave. He probably could have passed for gay if he really pushed for it, but the bit of facial hair on his face was just enough to make him a very clean type of manly. His handshake was firm. Mine usually is too, but in that moment I probably shook my hand like a partial wet-noodle. Dammit, why did I go in for a second handshake as well. They probably both sucked, compared to my usual extremely dominating handshake. I was stumped. I was in awe. No, I wasn’t in love, but that was pretty damn close to love at first sight! HAHA! It was his beauty mixed with his position, topped off with his confidence. That was the perfect combo to get me. Anyway, I knew that it was not my style to advance in that direction due to work and my professionalism. However, it was still nice to dream.
Tonight I find out that this beautiful creature is taken. Damn. So much for dreaming. It doesn’t change the fact that there are people out there that still really impress me. I wish him and his loved on the best of everything. You sexy, sexy beast.
Filed under: relapse/recovery
Is it odd that each day I look forward to a letter, an e-mail, a message?
I go about my day, busy and hectic, with tons to do. Yet it has become a recent routine that I await anxiously for a letter, an e-mail, a message. It becomes one of my favorite personal tasks of the day. It is so enjoyable that I don’t consider it a tasks, but a new habit that I enjoy. Today I did not receive that letter, e-mail, message. I was eager to check in the morning, but nothing. I figured it was potentially too early, so I checked again in the afternoon to find nothing. I realized that it was probably too late for me to receive it any later than that, but I decided to check anyway at night, again and again. Nothing. Suddenly my day feels a little incomplete. My day was not quite as sunny without that one letter, e-mail, message. Tomorrow morning is just about 8 hours away. Perhaps then, I will find that letter, e-mail, message.
I await your response.
Filed under: Philosophical Litter
So it’s 2:00am on a Friday, and I’m unable to sleep. Today started decently early, filled with fun networking experiences that can be counted as work. E-mails, phone calls, coffee, shopping, chatting, birthday party, and swimming. All of those related to work in some shape or form. That’s why I said I love my job. I love building relationships and seeing them blossom. Who says that work cannot be mixed with pleasure? Who said that clients cannot be friends? The grey area for me is work and a romantic relationship. That probably should not mix. Nobody is perfect, including myself. However, I have made it pretty clear to the boss man and myself, that I will not let myself get romantically involved with a client. I would not want to taint my reputation, the clients reputation, or give off the impression that I can be bought.
My love comes for free, and I am not for sale.
I am a salesperson. I am a marketer. Aside from selfish personal goals such as building the most relationships in the shortest amount of time, and leaving a mark in the industry and touching people’s lives, my objective is to generate business. That is the objective stated in my invisible contract, and obviously why I was hired. So, being a salesperson, I want to make sure there is no misunderstanding of my morals and the price I would pay to get a job. I am willing to pour out my effort, time, energy, and attention. I am not willing to sell my body, soul, and heart. So what happens if I fall for somebody that happens to be a client? What happens if that client happens to be interested in me as well, and acted upon it? Well then I’d be stuck between a rock and a hard place wouldn’t I? I would be torn because I want the business, and I need the business. BUT I would not want there to at all be any type of confusion as to why I got the job, and why I won the opportunity. There is a conflict of interest there. Favorites, I get it. Friends, I get it. But in this specific situation where I am the salesperson with the objective to sell, pleasure can simply not be mixed.
But let’s talk about a situation a little different from mine. What if there was not sales involved? There was no trade? There was no transaction like the one I just mentioned above. What if it was a student and a teacher (completely age appropriate). What if there were no grades involved? This was a class just for fun. We’re not talking college, and we’re not talking grad school. We’re not talking test results and we’re not talking about graduation. We are simply talking about a professional teaching a specific skill or hosting some type of class. Pottery maybe? Cooking class? Swimming lessons?
What happens when there is an attraction from the student to instructor? Should the student act upon it? What if the instructor developed an interest for the student? Is it acceptable for the instructor to act upon it? What if there is obviously a connection and chemistry between BOTH!? Should both of them stay quiet and continue playing the roles of instructor and student, or is it acceptable to pursue and see where things progress? Let’s say you’re both adults. You’re both about the same age. The only thing holding you back is the fact that you should conduct yourselves in a professional manner. That is literally the only thing. What would you do? Proceed according to how you feel? Wait until the class is over? Bite your tongue and just move on?
Great question. I am not against this type of relationship like I am against the type of vendor/client relationship. I do however think that it would be best to wait until the course is over, to avoid any type of awkwardness and prevent any questioning of the instructor’s professionalism.
A little flirting is harmless right? A little bit of after-class chatting is acceptable. It’s simply getting to know someone better, and potentially seeing if this is something worth pursuing.
I love to tell myself the things I want to hear…
